A letter to my 2015 self….

FacebookGoogle+StumbleUponLinkedInRedditBlogger PostEmailShare

Jess,

Right now you should be doing homework, or sleeping…. But, instead you decided to put some goals down on virtual paper. Of course, you want to lose weight, exercise more, eat better… all the standards. That stuff is important to you. But, you know you’ve got some deeper issues to address. In 2015 you turn 30. You wanted to have another baby, become a millionaire, and have your Doctoral degree by the time you turned 30. It really was the end all, be all age where you felt like you had to accomplish everything… and you still totally stress about turning 30 even though it’s 6 months away. You had your baby, you aren’t even close to being a millionaire, and you have diligently been working towards your Doctoral degree. However, now you (and Wes….WOW, I know) want two more babies, you aren’t so much concerned with millionaire status, and you have some things you really need to work on. So, in 2015 lets focus on the following:

Do not apologize for sharing an accomplishment or something you are proud of. You work hard and you make sacrifices. People may think you are bragging or tooting your own horn. Who cares. If you are proud, share it. Some will be inspired, some will be happy for you, and others will criticize you. Guess what, it’s the perfect time to identify the people who don’t need to be in your life. You already do this anyways, but please…. If someone shares an accomplishment- join them in the celebration. Be happy for them. Don’t compare yourself to them (you’re guilty of wondering why you aren’t there yet and sometimes almost being envious). If they accomplished it and they are proud of it, no matter how big or small, join them in the celebration, and if it’s something you want- learn from them!

NEVER, under any circumstance, say you are sorry for posting too many pictures of Wesley or Zoey or for sharing too many mini stories of something they did or said. Seriously…stop it! I really don’t know why you let other people’s opinions get to you and especially why this topic in particular really bothers you. They are your world and they ground you. You use Facebook as a scrap book….even if you did share over 3,000 pictures in 2014 (in fairness, they all weren’t of Zoey and Wesley). In 40 years, they will be able to look through your post, feel the love you had for them, and relive their childhood through what you’ve captured. You fear dying and leaving your kids without something to show them just how much they meant to you. You battle with feeling guilty for how much you work and for the time you spend away from them. Other mom’s do crafts and stress when they have to spend a night or a couple hours away from their kids. You don’t, and you battle with feeling like a bad mom because of it….even though you know how much you love them. You love pictures (you really should go into photography with your passion). You love writing. You are horrible at expressing yourself in person (and working on it), but writing and photos literally bring you to a happy place. So that’s how you document the times you do have. Everyone has their own methods. Some say they will just remember- that you don’t need to take a picture of everything or post everything. You have a history of seizures. You’ve had head trauma. You have a family history of memory loss. You are terrified that if you don’t document it, one day something will happen and you won’t remember anything…. Literally terrified because you believe that will happen someday. To you, it’s almost not “if” but “when”.  So you document and post, and it is what you do to ensure that you will be able to remember and that your kids will have this huge part of you if anything ever happened. You share it with your family and friends so that if you do lose your mind or if anything does ever happen to you- there is no doubt what your heart felt and where your priorities were. Your kids will know everything about you and the enormous, indescribable amount of love you have for them. And, in 40 years, anyone who is annoyed by it, or can’t figure out how to limit seeing your post, most likely won’t be in your life anyways.

Stop feeling guilty when you have to say no. You have big goals, big potential, and a big reason to work your ass off and say no to social events when you have to. You are still VERY social and the people who are meant to be in your life will understand. They will love you through this season and they will be happy when it’s over. However, make the time when it’s important. Be there when it REALLY matters- no matter what.

Go to the gym. You are not too busy. You can make time. Every time you go, you think “Man this feels so good…why don’t I go all the time?”. Just go! Stop making the excuses or you are going to wind up fat, miserable, and in the hospital. You are too young to start letting stress dictate your life. Get a grip sister…. for real!

2015 letter
You got here after having Wesley…and you can do it again!

You have gorgeous friends on the outside, you have gorgeous friends on the inside. You have friends who are wildly successful and you have friends who are just starting to create the life they want. You have feisty friends and quiet friends. You have friends with kids and friends who pretty much despise kids. You admire all of them for different reasons, but the ones you look up too and wish you could be like, are the ones who are present and engaged. You tell them you have a job interview and they text you that day saying something like “good luck. I know how much this means to you”. The ones that are talking good about you behind your back. The ones that can tell you that you screwed up in a way that leaves no doubt in your mind that they love you and accept you always and that assures you that you really did screw up and you need to get it together. The ones that let you know you are missed when you can’t make it to an event. Look at the qualities you admire in people and develop those qualities. You can do it, and you need to. You need to be less selfish. The world needs more people with those kinds of qualities. Your relationships need you to have those kinds of qualities. Your kids need you to have those kinds of qualities.

You got lucky when you met Wes. You hit the jackpot when you married him. You fulfilled every child hood marriage/family dream you had when you had his children. Remember that. Protect and fight for your marriage – always. There is no job, no amount of stress, no person that should ever make you put your marriage on the side burner. Consider his circumstances before getting mad about why he isn’t doing something you want. Talk to him when you are upset, like a human being….not a crazy person. Don’t let small issues become mountainous problems because you didn’t have the time to talk about it or didn’t want to deal with it. Build him up, encourage him, and support him. Do not belittle him. He is incredibly strong, he is incredibly patient, and he loves you more than anything in the world (next to Wesley and Zoey)… don’t abuse that. Stop questioning or belittling what he says or does to Wesley or Zoey in front of them. You are a team and they need to see that we back each other. Talk in private and work it out. This year, you felt his love the most when he considered you and your needs. In fact, the times he took your needs into consideration touched you so much you almost wrote a blog about taking each other into consideration as one of the most fundamental keys to marriage (but then you didn’t have time, go figure). When he had a glass of wine already poured because he knew you had such a long day. When he woke up with Zoey multiple times per night because you had to work. When he took the kids somewhere because he knew you needed to do homework. When he helped fund a portion of a new computer because he knew how important it was to your career and schooling. Because he considered the bigger picture and believes in you to get there. Do the same for him. Consider him the same way. Honor him, think about his needs, and show him how much you love him.

2015 letter
Do more of this. You both really love it!

 

Be a better daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, granddaughter and niece. You literally are failing at this. It’s horrible. Your life IS busy. It is packed. But, it’s no excuse. Imagine if your kids didn’t make time for you. Imagine if you grand kids were too busy to call. Imagine if your aunt didn’t know your birthday or anything about your life. You know it…. This has got to change…STAT. And, I’m not even going to go on. You know!

 

You are a good person. You work very hard. You love your kids and your husband deeply. You like to have fun. You love to live life. You beat yourself up all the time because areas in your life are neglected so other areas can develop. You are doing well. You are working through it. You have a great life. It doesn’t mean you can’t be better.

 

Cheers to You 2015,  Super Mom

One thought on “A letter to my 2015 self….”